Body Language

Using Body Language

Body language is an important part of communication which can constitute 50% or more of what we are communicating. If you wish to communicate well, then it makes sense to understand how you can (and cannot) use your body to say what you mean.

Message clusters

Body language comes in clusters of signals and postures, depending on the internal emotions and mental states.  Recognizing a whole cluster is thus far more reliable than trying to interpret individual elements.

Aggressive Body Language

A significant cluster of body movements is used to signal aggression.

This is actually quite useful as it is seldom a good idea to get into a fight, even for powerful people. Fighting can hurt you, even though you are pretty certain you will win. In addition, with adults, fighting is often socially unacceptable and aggression through words and body language is all that may ever happen.

Threat

Facial signals

Much aggression can be shown in the face, from disapproving frowns and pursed lips to sneers and full snarls. The eyes can be used to stare and hold the gaze for long period. They may also squint, preventing the other person seeing where you are looking.

Attack signals

When somebody is about to attack, they give visual signal such as clenching of fists ready to strike and lowering and spreading of the body for stability. They are also likely to give anger signs such as redness of the face.

Exposing oneself

Exposing oneself to attack is also a form of aggression. It is saying 'Go on - I dare you. I will still win.' It can include not looking at the other person, crotch displays, relaxing the body, turning away and so on.

Invasion

Invading the space of the other person in some way is an act of aggression that is equivalent to one country invading another.

False friendship

Invasion is often done under the cloak of of familiarity, where you act as if you are being friendly and move into a space reserved for friends, but without being invited. This gives the other person a dilemma of whether to repel a 'friendly' advance or to accept dominance of the other.

Approach

When you go inside the comfort zone of others without permission, you are effectively invading their territory. The close you get, the greater your ability to have 'first strike', from which an opponent may not recover.

Touching

Touching the person is another form of invasion. Even touching social touch zones such as arm and back can be aggressive.

Gestures

Insulting gestures

There are many, many gestures that have the primary intent of insulting the other person and hence inciting them to anger and a perhaps unwise battle. Single and double fingers pointed up, arm thrusts, chin tilts and so on are used, although many of these do vary across cultures (which can make for hazardous accidental movements when you are overseas).

Many gestures are sexual in nature, indicating that the other person should go away and fornicate, that you (or someone else) are having sex with their partner, and so on.

Mock attacks

Gestures may include symbolic action that mimics actual attacks, including waving fingers (the beating baton), shaking fists, head-butts, leg-swinging and so on. This is saying 'Here is what I will do to you!'

Physical items may be used as substitutes, for example banging of tables and doors or throwing . Again, this is saying 'This could be you!'

Sudden movements

All of these gestures may be done suddenly, signaling your level of aggression and testing the other person's reactions.

Large gestures

The size of gestures may also be used to signal levels of aggression, from simple finger movements to whole arm sweeps, sometimes even with exaggerated movements of the entire body.

Assertive Body Language Assertiveness is about acting in an 'adult' manner, asserting your rights without aggression and without being submissive. Smooth Assertive body language is not jerky and tense. Nor is it held still under close control. It moves at a steady rate, indicating that the person is feeling relatively relaxed. Even when they are speaking passionately, the movement is still smooth and under control. A smooth voice is natural and even. It goes up and down in time with the words, matching the expression. The sound is warm, friendly and melodious. Vocal volume goes up and down evenly, not suddenly becoming loud or quiet. When the person looks around they do so in steady sweeps. They do not have eyes that dart about furtively nor do they stare nor are they downcast. Balanced A balanced body is upright and relaxed. Bones rest on one another, held in place by gravity, rather than leaning outward and hence having to be held together with muscular strength. Both sides of the body are used, hence both hands may be used together or in balanced sequence. A balanced voice does not go to extremes. It is not jagged nor is it monotonous. It goes up and down in a natural way that sounds honest and persuasive. Firm When we assert something we act as if is true. Feet are firmly planted, flat on the floor (including when sitting), typically slightly apart to provide a firm base. Gestures are used to emphasize truths, although not in an exaggerated way. Hence the head nods, outstretched forearms bounce downwards with the point and the body may lean slightly forwards. There is also firmness in response where the other person may attempt to dominate or avoid the point. Gentle touching may be used as encouragement and steady eye contact used to show determination. Rejection of things not wanted is done steadily and without the escalation of aggression nor with the weakness of a passive position. Aggression is avoided, particularly in facial expressions, which are gentle and concerned yet show a determination to see things through. Open The body language is open, showing no threat and fearlessly inviting response. There are no barriers across the body. Arms hang down or are held outwards. Hands are often palms-up rather than fists or placating palms down. Eye contact is regular and appropriate. There is neither aggressive staring at the other person nor are eyes submissively downcast. There is no hiding of the face or body and barriers are removed.  Openness includes smiling, accepting and listening. The assertive person is attentive and checks that they have understood what the other person has said. They also respond to the concerns of others, showing this in their body language. Attentive Body Language When you are in conversation or otherwise attending to what others are saying or doing, you body sends signals to the other person as to how interested you really are. Attentive body language sends a strong signal of real and deep interest that is both flattering and likely to result in reciprocal attention. It was said that if you met with the English 19th century politician William Gladstone, you would come away thinking he was the most intelligent and witty person in the country. If, however, you met his peer Benjamin Disraeli, then you would come away thinking that youwere the most intelligent and witty person. Disraeli, it would seem, was somewhat more skilled at paying attention.   Listening A person who is attentive is first of all listening. This can be of varying intensity though attentive listening is deep and interested. Ignoring distractions There are many competing stimuli that demand our attention. If a person ignores distraction, from phone calls to other people interrupting, then they send strong  and flattering 'I am interested in you' signals. Stillness Body movement often betrays distracting thoughts and feelings. When the listener is largely still, the implication is of forgetting everything else except the other person, with not even internal dialogue being allowed to distract. Leaning forward When I am interested in you and what you have to say I will likely lean slightly towards you, perhaps better to hear everything you have to say. Tilted head An attentive head may be tilted slightly forward. It also may show curiosity when tilted to the side (although this may also indicate uncertainty). A side tilt exposes the neck which indicates comfort and no feelings of threat. Gaze An attentive person looks at the other person without taking their gaze away. They will likely blink less, almost for fear of missing something. Furrowed brow Concentration may also be shown in the forehead as the eyebrows are brought together as the listener seeks to hear and understand the other person. Wanting more An attentive person seeks not just to hear but to be ready to listen to everything the other person has to say. Patience When you want to hear more from the other person you are patient, listening until they have finished speaking and not butting in with your views. Even when you have something to say or when they pause, you still patiently seek a full understanding of them and give them space in which to complete what they have to say. Open body Open body language shows that you are not feeling defensive and are mentally open to what they have to say (and hence not closed to their thoughts). Slow nodding Nodding shows agreement and also encourages the other person to keep talking. Fast nodding may show impatience, whilst a slower nod indicates understanding and approval. Interest noises Little noises such as 'uh huh' and 'mmm' show that you are interested, understand and want to hear more. They thus encourage the other person to keep talking. Reflecting When you reflect the other person back to them they feel affirmed and that you are aligned with them. Reflecting activities range from matching body language to paraphrasing what they say. Bored Body Language When a person is bored, they whole body is telling you. So if you are trying to persuade them, don't bother (unless you are trying to bore them into submission). Language of boredom A ready body is poised for action. Distraction A bored person looks anywhere but at the person who is talking to them. They find other things to do, from doodling to talking with others to staring around the room. They may also keep looking at their watch or a wall clock. Repetition Bored people often repeat actions such as tapping toes, swinging feet or drumming fingers. The repetition may escalate as they try to signal their boredom. Tiredness A person who feels that they are unable to act to relieve their boredom may show signs of tiredness. They may yawn and their whole body may sag as they slouch down in their seat, lean against a wall or just sag where they are standing. Their face may also show a distinct lack of interest and appear blank. Reasons for boredom Lack of interest If the person is not interested in their surroundings or what is going on, then they may become bored. The disinterest may also be feigned if they do not want you to see that they are interested. Watch for leaking signs of readiness in these cases. Readiness A bored person may actually be ready for the actions you want, such as closing a sale. Sales people are known to keep on the sales patter long after the customer is ready to sign on the dotted line. Confident Body Language How do some people appear confident, while others seem unsure or anxious in some ways? If you can get others to think you are confident, then they may well trust and believe you more easily. In contrast, if you appear uncertain, how can they accept what you say as being true? Still Anxious people are tense, and it shows. Their bodies are always moving, typically in jerky movements that betray their muscular tension. Standing When an anxious person is standing, they typically get 'happy feet', stepping around the place. A confident person is comfortable standing in one place, without even tapping their feet. Balance your weight evenly, with feet planted a hip-width apart. When weight is on one leg, it indicates readiness to move. When you are balanced, you are firmly planted, indicating intent to stay and having no fear of attack. Sitting When sitting, place yourself comfortably, leaning back in the seat rather than anxiously forward. You may put your hands on your lap or behind your head when relaxing, or steeple them when making evaluative decisions. Keep the lower body still, with both feet planted on the ground or loosely crossed for comfort. Entwined or twitching legs are signs of anxiety. Head One of the simplest ways to show confidence is to hold your head still. Anxious people are always looking for threats. Fix on a point in front of you to help you keep your head in one place. Keep your head upright and with your chin level, as if you were suspended from a point at the crown of your head. Anxious people tend to hold the chin low, originally in order to protect the vulnerable neck from attack. Arms We often wave our arms about when talking or clasp them together when concerned. While you can make smaller movements, generally you can allow them to be still, resting in your lap or hanging at your side. A common confident pose with hands is held lightly in front or behind the back (this is typical of royalty and presidents). Holding one's own hands can be seen as a sign of anxiety so do be careful with this. Fidgeting is a sign of anxiety. Confident people can keep their hands still without the need to move or hide them. Showing one's hands is a way of building confidence as it indicates you are not twitchy, have no weapons nor are balling fists. For this reason it is a good idea to keep your hands out of any pockets, although thumbs lightly in pockets can indicate a casual confidence. Unhurried A common effect of anxiety is that people speed up, speaking faster and moving their body quickly. A confident person does not need to act quickly and shows this by acting at a measured and steady pace. Speed When you move, do so steadily. This does not mean going at an unnaturally slow rate, although it might seem this way. This may feel so strange, it can be useful to get feedback from someone else as to what seems natural and relaxed. Also reduce the speed of your speech. We think much faster than we talk and it is easy to end up speaking so fast others cannot understand us. They may also assume our fast talk is related more to anxiety than thinking speed. In movement, take good-sized strides, rather than timid or hurried steps. Pauses As well as generally going slower, add pauses, both in your speech and your movement. For example when you are getting up, move to edge of the seat, pause, then get up. Likewise when walking, point the way you are going, then step. Pausing sends a signal to other people, letting them process what you are about to do and so reduces the chance of them being surprised or worried. This is just one way that confident people inspire confidence in others. Silence Even a period of silence or inaction can be comfortable for a confident person. Silence is unsettling for many and it can hence be a useful persuasive device that also enhances your image of quiet confidence. Uncovered When we are feeling anxious, we tend to cover ourselves with our hands and bodies, protecting vulnerable areas from attack. Confident people do not feel the need to defend, and show this with a clear openness. Open When people are feeling defensive, they use closed body language. When they are feeling confident, they use open body language, exposing vulnerable parts of the body and staying relaxed. Expressive Confident people feel able to express emotions, including with movement of their bodies. They tend not to over-do emotion as people who are too expressive really be seeking sympathy or trying to coerce others. Confident people do not need to do this. They also smile more, including with their eyes. Natural Above all else, a confident person appears natural. They do not look like they are managing their body, nor that they need to do so. For this reason, confident body language is often evidence of real confidence as opposed to it all being an act. Direct Anxious people hedge their bets, already being ready to escape. If you are confident, you can be direct, without sending a signal that you are uncomfortable and ready to leave at a moment's notice. Instead, you can confidently engage with the other person, showing you feel safe. Greeting Greet people assertively, looking them in the eyes and smiling. Keep your body relaxed. When you shake hands, do so with a firm grip (but not one that is aggressively strong). Facing When engaging with another person, you may face them directly, perhaps leaning in. Do not do this in a dominant way, getting too close too soon. Dominant people often have insecurities and use aggression to cover up a lack of confidence. Confident people look at others. They do not need to scan their environment in search of threats. They hold people with their gaze, which is relaxed and without either narrowing nor opening wide the eyes. Listening Anxious or dominant people often feel the need to speak. Confident people do not need their beliefs verified nor their egos stroked, and so are comfortable just listening, which is of course a great way to get closer to other people. Gesture A confident person makes limited, firm and smooth gestures, typically to amplify what they are saying. They neither defensively hold themselves in nor make large power moves that grab space. They often use open, relaxed palms. And At root, confidence is a lack (or effective control) of fear. A confident person does not feel threatened by others, as many of us do. This can lead to false confidence and naivety when there is a real threat, which is why an effectively confident person has a realistic threat assessment and may well have a contingency ready so they know they can cope with dangers as they appear. There is a fine line between others interpreting your body language as being a sign of confidence or or arrogance, so care is needed here. A quietly confident person is liked and admired. An arrogant person, on the other hand, is disliked and despised. The difference is that the arrogant person uses confidence to gain status as they feel (or want to feel) superior to others. 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