Self-development

Developing yourself to become the person you want to be is a grand challenge and one that many people undertake in order to create new meaning and fulfil their lives. It is about taking responsibility for yourself, your thoughts and your actions, understand how you think and changing yourself for the better.

Much of the content on this site can be used for self-development and there are whole sections as below which can be used to help. In addition there are more articles within this section to help you develop further.

The Social Value of Being Different

Do you easily fit in? Do you worry about what other people think of you? Do you work hard to be accepted by them, learning what to say and not say, knowing how to dress and how to behave? If so, congratulations. You are like most people in society for whom the approval of their peers and superiors is critically important. In fact there would be no society without you.

But what if you march to a different drum? Is your independence more important to you than social approval? Do you like to think, dress and act however you like? If so, congratulations too. While society may not approve of you, it still needs you.

People who do not fit in that well with others still serve two purposes that help society sustain itself.

Identity

Social groups define themselves by their rules. Whether the group is a golf club, a street gang or society at large, there are membership rules. Even if the rules are not written down (and few if any are fully documented), they clearly exist because they exist. New members are taught the rules and transgressors are punished.

Non-members are useful as members can point at them and say 'That person is not one of us because...'. If you are different, your 'not-like-me' characteristics contrast with the 'like-me' cloned identity within the group. People who are different hence act as out-group anti-examplars, illustrating what is not allowed in the group and hence helping members define who they are.

Innovation

One of the rules of stable groups is not rocking the boat by trying to change things. Innovation is feared and outlawed, as similarity and stability are prized most. Yet this creates a dilemma when change is required in order to survive. Groups do not exist independently from their environment, and when that context changes, the group must adapt or die. Companies have competitors and changing customer demands. Families have changing incomes and social pressures. Hobby clubs are affected by fashion and technology.

If innovation and change cannot come from within, then where can it come from? An answer is the outsider. Outsiders are watched carefully not just because they may threaten the stability of the group but because they show what needs to change. In fact they may be needed to help show how to change, innovating group process and facilitating survival in the face of changing external forces.

In times of frequent change, this negotiated support is a constant need. Groups handle this by having fuzzy boundaries. Innovative thinkers are allowed at the edges where they can find and interact with other outsiders. They may also have influence within the group where they can advocate change in ways that support group survival.

There hence develops a whole ecosystem for innovation and change with everyone, even the most non-conformist outsider having a useful role. Over the ages a form of stability has crept in here, with archetypes for roles such as fools, shamans, alchemists and magicians, each of whom acts in identifiable ways to sustain the greater system. While the names are not used in modern society, people who eschew being typecast still slip into their places, partly due to the subtle forces around them and partly because they feel most comfortable in one archetypal role over all others.

Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

Most of us have beliefs which limit us in some ways, impoverishing our lives and preventing us from achieving our true potential. Here's how to overcome these and so enable and empower your life and those of others.

Isolate the belief

First consider what the belief is that is limiting you. Many of us make limiting choices without realizing that they are based on flawed, limiting beliefs.

Find times where you have done something (or not done something) that seemed to limit you in some way. Then ask 'What beliefs led to this choice?'. Keep digging, asking 'What belief underlies that belief?' until you come to the limiting belief or beliefs.

Also consider what concerns or frightens you and so limits you. What do you fear? Why? What beliefs lead you to such fears?

Seek the source

Think back to when you first had the belief. When did you first belief this? What happened for you to believe it?

Were you told to believe it by someone? Was it a parent, teacher, or maybe someone who was not thinking kindly about you.

Was it based on an experience? Did you try something once, failed and then formed the belief that you were incapable? Or that 'other people' think in certain ways?

Recognize the falsehood

In doing the above steps, you may already realize that the limiting belief is just that: a belief which is both limited and limiting. You are holding it because you were told to or because it helped you once.

Take time to reflect on this and recognize the full extent of the belief, how false it really is and especially how it has limited you in the past. Feel free to get angry about this.

In doing this, you may need to accept that you are not perfect, which can be disconcerting (beware of limiting beliefs here also). You must be open to learning and ready to change.

Form empowering beliefs

When you want to change a belief, you may well need an enabling belief which will replace the old one.

Be careful with these, making them realistic and not setting yourself up for disappointment. It can be more effective, for example, to believe that you can do public speaking than to immediately believe you are world-class at it. If you lack a skill that needs to be learned, believing you now have it is likely to lead to problems. It is better to believe you are able to learn (which is one of the most empowering beliefs you can have). Believing 'I can' can be more powerful than thinking 'I am'.

In a similar vein, if you thought yourself stupid, notice the different between thinking you are not stupid as opposed to being intelligent. There is a difference between 'Not A' and 'B', both of which may initially seem to be the opposite of 'A'.

The trick is to consider where the belief will take you, what will it let you think and do, and what evidence will it create, as in the next step.

The Elevator Pitch Description Imagine you step into an elevator with the CEO from your company, or maybe the CEO of a customer company. What would you say? How could you describe yourself or what you are selling in the 30 to 60-second journey from the first to the tenth floor? This person does not know you or your products. They are not stupid but they also may not understand any jargon. Every word must count and every word must be understood. The whole must also be abundantly clear and motivate the CEO to help you in the way that you seek. You can do this with anyone. If you meet a stranger and they ask you what you do, you should be able to answer this question clearly and concisely. Discussion The principle of the 'elevator pitch' question is to get you to think about what you are seeking or selling, and summarize it clearly. Many people when challenged to do this are not very effective at the first go. Yet with support and challenge they can refine their pitch and communicate it well. They may also understand themselves better and so be more able to focus what they do. In the example, the CEO represents somebody important that you want to influence. You can substitute this person with anyone else, of course. A useful alternative exercise is to imagine a rich uncle has died and, instead of leaving you his money, he pre-spends it on a 60-second slot on prime-time television in which you have to sell yourself to the nation. What do you say? How could you create a long queue of people at your door wanting to hire you or buy from you? Acting With Aplomb Description Be calm, composed and self-assured at all times, especially when things are going wrong. Do the right thing (using social values) as far as possible and do not fret if you cannot do more. Keep a stillness within and in you external manner. Sustain grace under pressure. When others are becoming anxious and losing their heads, keep yours. When they are acting manically or reactively, calmly pause and consider what has happened and what the best thing to do will be. Take charge not by being authoritarian but by being reasonable and clear. Take decisive action and do not be distracted by sideshows. Listen to suggestions but do not be deflected by unnecessary alternatives. Give others a sense of control by demonstrating that you know what to do. Show concern for people, especially when they seem unable to care about one another (as happens when people become stressed). Be restrained in what you say, avoiding harsh words and criticism. Offer comforting words and a haven of calm. Example At a meeting there is an loud argument. The chairperson says nothing, then stands up. When she has attention she looks calmly around at the people as she notes disagreement and the need for decision. She then facilitates a stepwise resolution. There is heavy rain and floodwaters are rising. As the family panics, the father gets them busy taking things upstairs as he calmly phones friends to come and help. He gets out the insurance policy and shows them they are covered. Discussion Aplomb is not a very common word and it is also not that common a personality characteristic in business or life, yet it is greatly valued and people who use it are much admired. Dictionary definitions point to 'composure under stress'. When we are stressed, our values often change as we seek to alleviate the discomfort rather than act in rational and thoughtful ways. We hence become more selfish and uncaring and may act in ways we later regret. Those who act with aplomb set aside their inner concerns as they look to act with integrity, sustaining their calm and doing the 'right thing'. They contain their worries for now and have private ways of purging them at a later time. They may also be generally less anxious and more self-confident than others, which helps them behave in a consistently assured way. To seem more in control, a simple trick is to hold your lower body still, especially when standing and if others can see your legs. This is the area where we often leak indications of stress through our body language. Also pause before answering and generally speak slower. Taking time is a sign of power and confidence. Aplomb helps gain control but it is not a guarantee of success. Being confident is not the same as knowing the truth. In fact over-confidence can reduce seeking of data that could be used to achieve goals and avoid failure. 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